What Happens During An Affair – Part 3 of our Affair Series

What Happens During An Affair – Part 3 of 4 of our Affair Series

This is the third of four posts in our “Affair” series.  The first two posts discussed what makes people want to have an affair and how affairs usually start.  This third post will discuss the “rules” or “patterns” of most affairs when they are happening, and our last post talks about how most affairs end.

Which Locations Do People Have Affairs

The first physical meeting typically does not happen near home.  Because both parties are usually nervous for their first physical meeting (assuming they first met online at a place like Ashley Madison)  their awareness and fear of getting caught are extremely high.  They will usually attempt to find a remote location or somewhere that they feel gives them the best chance to not be seen by anyone.  Because of this, most first meetings will happen at night time.

Because of this paranoia, typical communication is also different.  Cell phones and computers, which are both trackable (by the way, you can use these links to see whether your computer or cell phone is being tracked) aren’t typically used.

The Rules of An Affair

What is interesting is that most couples in affairs set ground rules.  While these rules only apply to those who are in more long term affairs and not just visiting some one-night-stand website, they are fairly consistent across couples.

Rules of Communication

1.  No phone calls at home, work or on the cell phone.  Most couples usually use either pre-pay cellphones or pay phones for their communication, simply because there are too many chances that the other phones are being tracked.

2.  No text messaging.  Same reason as above.

3.  No emails.  Most of the time, couples who are having an affair will set up a separate email account aside from their personal or business account for the sole purpose of keeping their communication away from the eyes of potential spies or spouses.  Usually, a free email account provider like Yahoo or Hotmail is used.

4.  No Skype.  Skype actually maintains a history of all calls and messages.  This is a no-no.

5.  No Facebook.  Same reason as Skype.

6.  No notes/letters.  There is just too much risk involved with letters as a form of communication.  Spouses will often open the mail of their significant other if they do not know what it is.

Rules of the Encounter

1.  No pictures taken together.  Even if the pictures are solely private or never developed, it seems as if most couples agree that it is best if their is no chance that someone could have evidence of them being together.

2.  Limit the amount of time together.  The longer the period of time that the couple in the affair spends, the more difficult it becomes to create a believable alibi.

3.  Do not go to the same place more than once or twice.  Couples who frequent the same motel/hotel or resort are usually recognized by the staff after just one or two visits.

 4.  Do not enter together.  This is even more important because of the way that we are all psychologically wired.  Our memory is not just a computer with a bunch of files and folders.  Instead, it is more like a giant, connected web.  Memory is always based on connections.  For example, it is very difficult to remember what you study on a test, but if you put it into song form (connect it with a tune) it becomes easier.  The same happens with people.  Faces are easier to recognize if they are always present together (connected)
5.  Pay for all activities in cash.  Credit card bills are difficult to hide and harder to explain.

Tips for the Encounter

1.  Be yourself, only neater.

You need to be yourself, but you also need to put your best foot forward.  If you really are the type of person that only wears t-shirts, then wear your nicest t-shirt.  Showing that you take care of yourself is a quick test that every single person does to see if you’d ever be able to take care of them.

2 . List possible speaking topics.

The fact that this is an affair means that you’ve probably been out of the game for a while.  Many people have suggested that it helps to write down a list of topics that you could talk about so that you don’t freeze in the middle of the date.  Even if you never use the paper, its nice to know that you can discretely look at it in case you ever need help bailing yourself out of an awkward silence.

3.  Smile a lot – Be Positive

The last thing you should do is talk about all the negative things your ex does.  Negativity does not come across well on anyone.  The natural tendency for you will be to gravitate to your crappy relationship, but you have to avoid it if you want to make a good impression.

4.  Don’t give a ton of personal details about yourself.

You still need to remember that this is a first encounter with someone you have never actually met.  Be cautious.  If you feel uncomfortable at any moment, leave.  First encounters can get ugly fast if the person is clingy, unstable, or worse – a spy

Conclusion of Part Three

There are many rules, but we’ve saved the most interesting for last.  Usually in affairs, both parties agree to exclusivity, or that they promise to only hook up with one another.  This is a fascinating rule seeing as the relationship is born out of cheating on someone else, but most studied couples in affairs do have exclusivity agreements.

This exclusivity, while it seems out of place at first, actually fits the mindset of someone who is cheating quite well.  All of the previous rules and constraints actually bring people together.  The feeling of being a team trying not to be caught actually feeds this exclusivity mindset.  As the relationship continues and both parties become more lax about not getting caught is usually when one partner will express their desire to end the exclusivity agreement.


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